Into His Arms

I am not a fan of trust falls. I never have been. It doesn’t matter who may be behind me, ready to catch me, I simply cannot do it. It makes me full of fear to imagine myself attempting a successful trust fall and completely letting go of all control as I fall into someone’s arms. Closing my eyes, relaxing my body, not tensing up my legs or looking behind me to then fall backwards seems about impossible.

            Last summer, I worked my second year as a staffer with a youth ministry that is very dear to my heart. One of our training exercises that the staff planned for the first week on the very last day was trusting falling off the back of a box truck into the arms of our team. It was something that I was nervous about all week. It was hanging over my head and I was kind of dreading it.

The morning of the trust fall came, and my stomach felt like it was in knots. It was such a deeply genuine and quiet atmosphere, our whole team taking it seriously as the clouds filled the sky. One by one, the brave souls on my team went up to do the trust fall. Before some of them fell backwards, they opened up to the group with honest and vulnerable hearts. A group of 21 young college men and women stood up on the edge and became so opened as they looked into the team’s eyes.

They admitted fears and insecurities that they wanted to surrender to the Lord, saying this was their step of “letting go” and proclaiming that these past chains would no longer define them or have power over them. One by one, they climbed up to look down below and share their fears, trusting in the people who could catch them.

“Who wants to go next?” our leader from the top asked in a gentle and calm voice after most people had gone. It was quiet and I was trembling.

“I can,” I said, looking up at him, trying to cover any sign of fear. My shaking hands gripped the side of the box truck, and I pulled myself up, one step at a time. As I got higher and higher, I thought of all my fears that held me back in life. I thought about the insecurities I had that no one knew about. I heard the fears and anxieties that told me…

 

“You are nothing, Madeline. You are going to fail. No one really likes you. You will never be good enough. You will never be strong enough. You are the only one going through this. You are stupid. You will never fit in. You have so many things to be ashamed of…You don’t have what it takes to be brave and do the things that scare you. You have messed up so many times. God doesn’t truly love you. God won’t forgive you. You can’t trust in Him.”

 

I reached the top and I looked down at my team, realizing it was much higher than I thought. Tears filled my eyes as I saw each of their faces and felt more vulnerable than ever.

“I am afraid,” my thoughts told myself, embarrassed that I was struggling this much from within. I forced the positivity out of me and a calmness that I had to fake, trying to have everyone believe that I wasn’t afraid while I was secretly paralyzed inside. Yet, something felt different when I looked at them as time froze and my thoughts ran a mile a second. I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt known. I felt safe. It was a feeling that wasn’t very familiar to me. Something within me felt like I could trust them. I knew that I could fully trust them, and I was tired of allowing fear to lie to me, keep me in the dark, and tell me I had to fight alone. I became overwhelmed with vulnerability as I felt completely seen and truly loved.

I turned around to face our leader as my back was facing the team. I was trembling with the adrenaline. He spoke words that brought so much comfort as he put a hand on my shoulder, locking eyes with me and said that I had nothing to fear.

“We’ve got you,” he said quietly, “You can trust us this summer. You have a whole team behind you who will have your back no matter what you face or are up against.”

I nodded and grinned as he told me I could fall back whenever I was ready, as my prayer to the Lord was as desperate as ever.

“God…” I told Him in my thoughts, “I can’t do this on my own. I cannot live another day in my strength or in my power. I have sinned and have broken Your heart over and over and over again. I cannot face my fear alone. I cannot be a leader alone. I cannot do anything alone…Here I am, letting go of all the anxiety, the hurt, the pain, my insecurities, my unknown future, the fear, the guilt, regret, my doubt, and the chains...all the things that scare me. I surrender...and I trust You."

            “Ready team?” I asked as my voice quivered.

            “Ready, Madeline,” they said in a strong and loving tone as they held out their arms and got in position, grounding their footing. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, relaxed my body, and let go of all the tension.

            I surrender.

            My body fell backwards, and my stomach dropped as if I were on a roller coaster. Before I knew it, I was in the arms of 21 friends, who slowly lowered me down to the ground. I took a deep breath as we finished the trust exercise and tears from everyone were still present. We stood in a circle and prayed to the Lord. Hands on each other's shoulders, we were united, holding nothing back, and free from secrets. I had never experienced such an intimate moment before. We were committed to keeping one another accountable to trust in the Lord with ALL our hearts and let go of all the fear holding us back. We were determined to step into whatever the summer may bring as we knew that our strength and courage came from the Lord.

            I love reflecting on that memory. What a small picture of the way we can trust in God every single day. Why do we doubt the Lord so much when an unknown future begins to bang against our mind? Why do we fight to seek control when we feel like we have been left alone? Why do we make trusting God so hard? I have realized that I have gotten so used to saying the words “I trust You, God,” yet, when a season of clouds and storms come, I question what it even looks like to genuinely trust in Him at all.

 

            One of my favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 3:5-6, which says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

 

            What does it look like to trust in God with ALL our hearts? Not just 50%. Not 80%. Not even 99%. But 100%- completely everything. To do a successful trust fall, we have to let go…we have to surrender. As prideful humans, it is so easy to want to lean on our own understanding and fight for complete control and power. We idolize the “rough draft” plans we create in our minds, and we do all that we can to see those unfold. We fight for the earthly comfort to feel like we have it all under control. But what if we laid all those things down at His feet? The pride. The lust. The pain. The past. The earthly hopes and dreams. What if we lived completely surrendered, and lived with excitement to see what the Lord does, seeking His plan over ours?

            A successful trust fall isn’t really successful if our bodies are tight and tense with fear, looking back, squirming, or bending our knees to avoid a full fall. It takes complete surrender. A calm, relaxed body, a deep breath, and a surrender is what allows us to become free, falling backwards.

 

            What are you allowing to weigh yourself down, making it harder to surrender?

 

            Another step we need to take to completely trust in God is the vulnerability with Him to open our hearts fully. Seeing the boldness of my friends who were honest and genuine with the team before they fell created a deeper connection for us all. It bonded us closer together. I sometimes have a hard time being honest about struggles, fears, and insecurities, even when it comes to admitting these to God. I tend to cling to “my own strength” and seek identity in what I believe I can do on my own. My pride loves to fake that I am "all good" all the time and that I am strong enough to do it all on my own...afraid to ever admit my weaknesses.

            Yet, what a beautiful thing to surrender a broken, fearful, and anxious heart into the hands of our gentle Father. He longs to be our Comfort, Healer, Strength, and Shepherd. Even in the wrestling and the fighting, we know that we can be completely open and honest with Him. Through this intimacy with a holy God, we can walk in comfort and peace, knowing that we are His children, and He loves us more than we could ever comprehend! Thinking back on my childhood, I knew that my parents never wanted me to hide my fear, pain, or sadness. They desired that I would be honest with them and because they welcomed me in with a loving and gentle presence, I had so much comfort to know that they would still love me, even if I had messed up.

           And yet, how much stronger, wider, and deeper is the love of God for us! Friends, even in our rebellion, our brokenness, our sin, and even when we idolize the things of this world, we know that we must run to the Father again and again. Let go of the shame and the burdens. Rest knowing that in Him is forgiveness and freedom. Because of the blood of Jesus, we have been set free as we place our hope and trust in Him! Open your heart day after day, and don’t hide. When we mess up, we don’t need to cover it up and stay in the dark. Our loving Father desires that we confess those things and continue walking with Him, living completely opened and vulnerable in His presence. How comforting it is to know that He fully sees you, He fully knows you, and He fully loves you.

            As we surrender and open our hearts to God, we are able to step into a full trust, growing in a deeper relationship with Him. As children of God, we spend a lifetime knowing that we can fully trust in our holy Father who knows us completely. He is intentional. He knows it all and holds it altogether. Even in our unknown futures, full of highs and lows, we have nothing to fear.

            This experience I had of a literal trust fall was just a small picture of how there are loving Hands ready to catch me…ready to catch you. God is not sleeping. He is not distracted. He is not busy. He isn’t weak. He is so ready to be your strength and to be your help. His gentle hands are waiting to hold and comfort you. His powerful arms are there to be your strength.

Dear friend, there is truly nothing to fear. There is no reason to doubt in His steadfast love… He is faithful through generations. There is no reason to be overcome with fear of the future. You do not need to know all the answers. You do not need to see what the future looks like to have peace. You do not need to have it altogether. You do not need to lean on your own understanding. He has good plans, and He is in control.

Surrender your heart. Open your heart. Trust Him with your heart.

ALL your heart.

Take a deep breath.

What a beautiful way to live a life and spend every moment… trust falling into the arms of the One who holds it all.